I do not like being in uncomfortable environments even though I know that sometimes it is important to be put out of our comfort zone for our growth. Being around a large group of people that I do not know well also scares me. Regardless of how sociable I am, I am so so used to being around people like me; around people I connect with and know something about. With that being said, I knew that coming on this mission trip to LA would be challenging for me. I would be surrounded by seventeen brand new people that I honestly know nothing about aside from maybe their names and the fact that we are part of the same campus ministry. I worried if they would get me or even like me because I know how I can be. I am not perfect, I am moody and hard to read at times and can even come off very off Standish when I feel uncomfortable or that I am not connected. I also didn’t know if these individuals I was with would have expectations of me or even tell me if I was making them uncomfortable. Let’s just say all of these thoughts and worries were making me anxious and on edge. I worried that I wouldn’t enjoy myself or be able to open my heart and spirit enough for God to truly work and move through me for the time I was here.
But then I remember the moment I felt God telling me He wanted me to be on this trip. I remembered the prayers and request I presented to God, the miracles He made happen so this trip could be paid for and the nights I spent crying or worrying but God always comforted me and sent people to help me through. I remembered that I was here for a reason, that being here was part of my obedience to God and that I should not worry about all the other stuff. So I began calming down and looking on the bright side and keeping a positive outlook but I could already tell that the devil had seen how I was feeling and he wanted to cripple me with thoughts that God didn’t want me to have. But I was praying in my heart. I was feeling conviction and just when I wanted to give up and completly question my place on this trip, we ended up a conference called Burn 24/7.
The amount of people there was overwhelming and I did not know what to expect. But as praise and worship was about to start, I took off my shoes and told God that I needed Him right now. I told Him for this moment I would surrender these doubt and insecurities unto Him. I asked Him to please give me peace and show me something, make me feel something. Before I could finish my plea, I felt Him in such a way that I couldn’t explain or even think possible because I thought God was mad at me for doubting Him and questioning why I was here in LA. But I tell you there was a spirit in that room. A moving of people; broken, ordinary and flawed people that God had chosen to light up this dark world and this is where I was. This is where God had planned for me to be all along. Of all the places I could be on this spring break, of all the idle things I could have been doing this is what He was planning for me all along. Here I was, in the midst of God’s love and His mercy. His love was literally wrapping me up in a cocoon. I could feel my flesh being crucified, and me giving up all the things of this world at that moment. I was being reborn, fully understanding the adoption of God and my name being changed. I was dancing and praising like David, not giving a care to anyone watching because this was all for my Jesus My Abba. I felt love and freedom and the power of God’s strength and love.
I felt such joy at that moment. No fear, no tears; nothing but pure joy and hope for the days to come and for the moments God would lay to rest my doubt, my self condemnation. For the moments He would continue to break my shackles and strongholds of depression, anxiety and all spirits not of Him. I felt blessed that God had chosen me to be here, that He wanted me to experience this moment despite my iniquities. That His love and goodness towards me is no reflection of mine towards Him. I am not ashamed of my Abba! I am serving a good good Father and I am thankful that I am here with 17 of His beautiful children. Each with their own stories and reasons why they chose God after He already chose us before our creation. My heart and spirit is open and I am ready for an overflow of the Spirit.
Thank You Abba!