As the summer ends for me I find myself in a place that is not unfamiliar for me as a believer. I am finding myself constantly feeling lost, anxious, angry, depressed and empty. In a fleshy sense I have satisfied myself but I am not happy. I feel no joy in my heart, there is no life in my words and most days I prefer to stay locked in my house and not deal with the world or the people around me. So instead I open my closet of masks, pick one suitable for the day, and wear it proudly. I am pretty good at doing that. It’s easier to fake things sometimes than it is to truly experience those emotions and realities. I am a dreamer and that makes things sticky and uncomfortable for me sometimes.
In those moments, in the back of my mind I know what I am supposed to be doing: drawing closer to God, repenting and doing my best to move on but honestly I haven’t. I don’t have it all together and more and more each day, I am seeing that the people around have this idea or expectation that I do and sometimes that pressure drives me crazy. Decisions for me that used to be easy to make, have become extremely difficult. My priorities are screwed up and that is putting it lightly. Somewhere along the summer, I hit a high point in my relationship with God. I had a mouthful of purpose and never felt so amazing about taking the road less traveled. But then I got comfortable. I was happy where I was and forgot that I had to do more every day to stay where I was heading.
I got comfortable with God, rationalized or somehow believed this was the highest I should be right now, at this age. I put myself in shackles and placed God on the back burner. With my actions, I told Him I didn’t need Him right now. Told Him I needed a moment from this whole Jesus and Christian thing. And this morning I woke up feeling worthless, like a failure. I felt like nothing. I realized that I had let so much sin, false guilt, and flesh consume me into almost nothingness. I felt like maybe I am the wrong person for the assignment God had given me. I felt depression and self-isolation creeping and knocking at my door. But before I opened it, I turned to my bible. I needed God right now! And I know He saw my heart and agony because of a few passages He showed me. So God led me to a passage by Paul in 1 Corinthians 1:26-31
“Brothers and sisters, think of wat you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were born of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things and the things that are not to nullify the things that are, o that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-that is our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore as it is written: “ (NIV)
God has chosen me, Lise. Weak, broken, foolish, full of mistaken, all of that. He still chose me to know that these moments and feeling I have will come but I am still chosen. He still wants me and there are still trials and fires I will go through to be more polished than I am now. All He is asking me to do is find strength in Him, stop depending and doing things on my own. He is asking me to do all the things He puts in my heart when I am led to write these post and my book. God is not asking me to be perfect, flawless, and have it all together all the time. He is just asking me to be great and that comes with patience, occasional failures, hard work, tears and mistakes. He has to show me that I need Him because I do. The difference between what I am going through now and the peace and joy I felt back in May and early June is simply this: I was feeding my spirit then and not my flesh. I was letting God’s desires be mine. I was journaling and patiently sitting at my potter’s feet. I was content and happy even in the midst of everything. I was learning to smell the scent of sin and running far from me, being repulsed by it.
God wants me! And the day He gave me a taste of purpose, I was hooked and withdrawal from that is dangerous for me. So right now, God I repent of my sins, I ask you for mercy when it comes to the consequences of my actions and to continue to show me your grace. I ask you for wisdom and discernment. I was running from you, not the other way around and I am sorry. I love you and thank you for never taking your Spirit from me and allowing me to continue to hear you. I know there is more work to be done on me but I want that because I am always satisfied, filled, and peaceful when you are with me. Amen