For the past few weeks, I have found myself being in a place of complete confusion, worry and hurt. In the midst of that I also had close friends and some acquaintances randomly giving me words of encouragement, telling me how important I am and even expressing how much they have seen God transforming me as though they can sense the volcano stirring up inside of me and wanted to encourage me. You see, on the outside, I was smiling and saying all the right things but on the inside I was struggling to keep a grip on my emotions. Within one day I would go from happy to sad to confused and irritated by any and everything. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like this considering everything I had going for myself.
Why? That was all I kept asking myself. Why was I feeling this way? I said I was happy and filled with joy and I really did feel like that but if that was the case, why were my moments of feeling inadequate, lost, angry and hurt coming up more and more. Why couldn’t I stop remembering the people who hurt me after I said I had forgiven them? Why did certain people, words, and songs trigger the emotions I thought I had dealt with when they first happened? Why was I feeling so out of control and so out of touch with reality? It did not seem all that simple to me but the answer was clear: I had actually suppressed most of the emotions I thought I had dealt with. Truth be told, I had tried to deal with the hurt, the anger and sadness and void by myself this whole time instead of doing what 1Peter 5:7 said- “Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.” I was doing and saying what I thought was needed to deal with my problems and emotions instead of placing them at the feet of Christ and asking Him to truly help me heal and overcome them. So of course I wasn’t feeling the true freedom that occurs when one really scraps out all the junk and nastiness from their hearts. I wasn’t meant to do it alone. Such freedom and love and forgiveness doesn’t come from my works but that of God. That’s what He is here for. God wanted and needed me to truly let go of all those things (whether its fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, self-hate, false guilt, etc.) and give it to Him. Because until I did, I will think that I have dealt with whatever emotions or situation it was and then find myself, weeks later still being bothered by something I thought I handled. But when you give something to God and He fixes it and give you the answers you needed then IT IS DONE! When you do it yourself, it is never truly finished because the enemy can and will bring those things back up to hinder your progress. But what God has put a FINISHED stamped on, NO ONE can use those situations against you and you will feel the freedom that He wants and intended for you.
I realized through this that those hurt feelings and confusion and anger were all because of underlying struggles that I was going through that I never really fully gave to God. I would lay them at His feet but then take it back because it was not going the way I wanted it to or going fast enough. I wasn’t patient, and trusting of Him so that made the problems never truly go away. I am learning this now and every day. It’s not always easy to put all of ur trust in God but I have learned that it is worth it. I think part of me was scared that if I did bring all my emotions and fear to God and tell Him about all the people who wronged me that He would tell me to look at myself and my issues and not give me cause to feel hurt and angry. But despite that I know that he knows best. God doesn’t always give you what you want but you can trust He will ALWAYS GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED!
-From one child of God to another 🙂