Loving myself was always something I struggled with and to be honest, on some days I still struggle with it. There were moments where I searched for love and acceptance from all the wrong people, places, and even did things to myself and my body that I thought would help me love myself more. But all of this only led to more sin, drawing away from God and thus hating myself even more. I didn’t see my worth, or understand the power that was inside of me. I was looking to everything and everyone but God for the love and acceptance I needed to truly live. Even when I had my father there to pray for me, preach to me, and tell me I was beautiful and a child of God, none of that seemed to matter when I was away from his presence or when that phone call ended. Yes, I would remember all the things he said but in the back of my mind but he was my father. He was supposed to love me and accept me and say those things. That is what I thought and truly believed. It was these lies and misconceptions I was believing that gave the enemy a hold of me.
Now I am not one to go and blame all my actions in search of my self-love and worth on Satan because in all honesty as human being with free will we choose to do things against the will of God. You made the decision to spend the night at that boy’s house and have things go farther than they should have, you made the decision to say those hurtful things, and you went against all the things your Lord and savior commanded of you. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that the enemy does trick us and does everything in his power to have us turn away from God but we need to be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for the choices we make. You can’t keep doing things wrong and then go to God and say, “Well, it wasn’t my fault. Satan made me do it.” It doesn’t work like that.
As God began changing my life and showing me the assignments and purposes He had for me, He also showed me that it was vital for me to understand the reason why I wasn’t loving, respecting and accepting myself. See the thing is I was rejecting what the world was telling me was wrong with me and not accepting the qualities that God placed in me for Him to use me in His kingdom. I had placed myself in bondage. Enslaved myself as a result of self-hatred, not being able to forgive myself, low self-esteem and looking to the world for acceptance. I was looking in the mirror and not seeing myself in the image that God created. Psalms 139:14 says “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works and you know me completely!” Amen for that! We are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and last time I checked my God is not ugly. And I know for me, I would read those verses and be like, “Whatever, I still feel ugly. I am still not worth it. My nose is too big. I am not pretty enough, sexy enough, helpful enough and unloved.” I didn’t even like looking at myself in the mirror so I needed the validation of comments from people. The attention made me feel good but when I would return home, the emptiness and hate I felt for myself came back until God said enough is enough and really spoke to me.
“I am your God,” He said. I died for people who did so much worse than you, I have forgiven you for the things you feel disgusted about, and I have made you clean and pure. I love you and I sent Son to die for you. It took me a long time to learn to forgive myself for my past sins and every day I have to be intentional about forgiving myself and not falling back into the pit of lies. Every day I remind myself that my worthy and that my beauty is found in my creator and not the mere mortals He too created. I had to see that every time I was believing that I was ugly, worthless, and not good enough; I was telling God that He made me that way. That He was ugly and worthless. And we all know that is not true! God made me with a purpose. He loves me flaws and all and He will use all the characteristic I have to work for His kingdom. Look at Moses for example. God can take all the things you think are flaws in you and use them to minister to others. Everything this world and people use to try and tear you down, can be used for the glory of God.
So if you don’t hear this anywhere else, know this: You are righteous, accepted, redeemed, ad eternally loved. You are beautiful and worth so much more than this world can understand. You are priceless and God loves you. I encourage you to take all you self-esteem issues and feelings of not being enough and lay them at the feet of God and I promise you He will change it around for you and make you understand who you are IN Him and not of this world. Trust me, He did it for me and He will do it for you. Also, listen to Lovin Me by Jonathan McReynolds. Link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NTvTuwl_xE
God bless you. 🙂