Love is one of those things that is over talked, over used, and often times misunderstood. As women we love hard, unapologetically and often time we love without receiving love back. We all experience and react to love and heartbreak differently but one thing that is common is this sense of confusion and hurt we feel after a heart break. We give so much of ourselves to men who we want to love us back, we are honest and true and always there. All for someone who doesn’t seem to be strong enough to express that love back to us. Maybe because they can’t, maybe because there is so much hurt and unhealed scars that they are afraid to, or maybe because they just aren’t the person meant to love the Spirit that is you. See, I will take myself as an example and a situation I have found myself in recently.
At a moment when I stopped believing in love and even doubted if I was capable of love, I met someone who showed me that I could. I loved and cared so strongly for this man, to the point where sometimes I questioned my sanity. I never understood the butterflies that turned to elephants that were in the pit of my stomach every time I was near him. I couldn’t understand why I always found myself interceding in prayer for this man. I found myself wanting to do everything that I could do to make him happy, make his day brighter, be honest in the best way I knew how, and prayed that in return he would do the same. I thought that if I gave my all, was true, and always there that there was no way this man could or would do anything that would hurt me. But that wasn’t the case. I realized that whether someone hurts you intentionally or not, that pain is unbearable and sometimes unforgivable but me, I always forgive; no matter what, I forgive. Though I loved this man, something in him still could never be completely honest with me. Maybe he was afraid of what I would think if I knew the truth and saw who he really is. But I already knew. I saw the things he didn’t think I did or would and I still loved him. For the things I didn’t know or could only sense, I prayed. I prayed because God knew my heart and God knew his. But it came to a point where I was loving him more than myself, interceding for him more than anyone else, telling him and being so spiritually, mentally and emotionally naked, and putting his needs and wants before mine. I was loving a man who never gave me true reasons to keep loving him. So his lies, half-truths, lack of transparency, and stubbornness to being the man I know God wants and needs him to be, hurt me. But I couldn’t let go. In my heart, I kept thinking that soon all my hard work would pay off until I felt that betrayal. I’d had enough. At this moment I felt completely lied to, betrayed and disrespected by someone who I still believe and know in my heart cares about me. Maybe not as much as I loved and cared about him but still I knew he cared but something was missing. Something in him couldn’t allow him to give me what I needed and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to realize that for myself and God had to show me that. And though I know I have to let go of the expectations and my hearts desires, it’s hard. But I learned that letting go doesn’t mean I love him any less; it just means that I am learning to love myself more and chose me.