Lately I have taken about a hundred steps back. I spent the weekend ignoring the voice of the Spirit and doing my own thing; thinking that it would okay to be lukewarm for a moment and then keep it moving. But as always that did not turn out very well for me. So there I was again, back at square one; confused, hurt, angry, and just down right over everything and everyone. I wanted a little excitement and 1thought that the only way to do that was to go back to my habits of partying, ‘turning up,’ and remind myself… Honestly I don’t know what I was trying to remind myself but I don’t think it was the craziness that I felt going inside myself. I had exposed myself to all the things I wanted to run from, to emotions I could have avoided and to seeing things that only hurt me. But this time, as the sun settled and rose, I didn’t run from God. I ran to Him. I knew that I needed forgiveness, I needed comfort and love. I needed so many things and I also knew that only He could give me what my mind, body and spirit needed right now. But why? Why did I feel so bored, out of touch? Why did I feel like I needed some excitement? Why did I not think of the consequences of exposing myself to the lifestyle I knew wasn’t for me anymore?
I kept thinking about that and trying to find the answer but I couldn’t. Until God used someone else to show me and make me understand something I never really thought of. The first thing this person shared was Psalms 16:9 which states: A man’s heart will plan its way, but the Lord directs His way. The thing is I had set my heart on something but I wasn’t allowing God to direct my heart to Him and His wants and in return I immediately knew that my heart’s path lead me astray. Second thing: sometimes when everything in your life seems quiet and its seems as though there is no excitement or maybe even that God is just not speaking you, we get this nervous feeling. We feel like something isn’t right and feel the need to do something instead of realizing the true purpose of that quiet moment. Me, I didn’t see it like that. What I should have done and realized was that I should have stayed where I was in my peace and quiet moment and concentrated on God. Be still and focus, Lise. I should have remembered and knew that my God was still with me even if I wasn’t aware of Him. I should have invited Him more into my heart and asked Him to settle my mind. I should have surrendered to God even more so that He could merge into me even more and be more present in my life in that moment compared to any other moment. I should have been depending on Him and realizing the importance of that quiet, so called ‘boring’ moment but I didn’t. I wanted some ‘noise’ and excitement and I got it in the wrong way and now I have lost my peace and am struggling again. All I can say is that it was not worth it. So now here I am, realizing all of this and I can only feel two things: one, it’s easier to stay on the right path than it is to have to start all over again. Two, I have to get back that peace I just lost and always recognize how valuable it is.