I have been on a journey for some months now. I’ve allowed my life, decisions made and even my emotions be led by God. I’ve learned to spend more time in prayer and the word, getting rid of bad habits and learning how to love and take care of myself. For most this may not seem like much but for me its been an indescribable transition. I really felt like I was changing and becoming a woman of grace, beauty, intelligence and substance. Part of me was beginning to see me as God would and not as this world has tried to define me. Well I pray that makes sense in some way or another. I was making so much progress that I forgot one very important thing: when the Devil sees you walking closer into your purpose and relationship with God, he get angry and will come at you guns blazing. Now I don’t believe that every bad things happens or that every wrong decisions we make is only because of satan. I believe we as humans need to take responsibility for our actions. God gave us free will so we need to quit blaming the devil for every bad decisions we make and the consequences of those decisions.
As I was making progress, I will admit that I become stagnant. I became comfortable and didn’t realize that as God was taking me to new level I couldn’t keep doing the same things I always have. For instance if reading my bible for 10 minutes each day and praying twice a day was enough at one point to feed my Spirit and keep me on track, once God took me to a new level and asked more of me, then soon those 10 minutes I spent praying and reading wouldn’t be enough.. I would need to read more, be in His presence more, thirst for Him more. It only makes sense, right? Just like the work you did high school to pass and make A’s is different and more when you go to college, or go on to get your Masters, PhD, etc. There are levels to everything, especially with your walk with God.
I say all of this because yes, I knew I was making progress and building an amazing and intimate relationship with God but then this week I did something that took a me a few steps back. I felt lost and ashamed and I could see myself going back to my old habits and running from God when I made mistakes. And its crazy because each step I took back I could feel my spirit changing, I could feel God disapproving of what I was doing but like they say the flesh is weak but the Spirit is willing. By the time I stopped and stood still, I felt empty. I wanted to run. I was disgusted with myself but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t cry or scream. I just stood there like I was waiting for the wrath of God to just knock me out I guess. You would think I would have known better and part of me did. I knew that even though I had just made this mistake and took some steps back that God still loves me unconditionally and the fact that I realized this kept me from running like I used to. So instead, I went to a friend mine and told him everything and he gave me kind words of wisdom and reminded me that this was the time for me to run to God. Go home and blast my gospel and pray, so that is what I did.
So if you feel like you have taken a few steps back, don’t run! Don’t beat yourself up because that will only cause you sin more and take more steps back. Don’t spend the whole day angry at yourself and questioning your mistakes before going to God. Run to Him immediately. Repent and ask Him to give you strength to not have to take those steps back for the same mistakes. I promise you will feel so much better. Yes, you may still be disappointed in yourself but God has already forgiven you and that this is all part of your process and testimony. God bless loves.
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