My Day

I searched Amazon this morning, around five am because I could not sleep. I searched like I was looking for forgiveness in this messed up world, all because I wanted to buy back my sanity; but it wasn’t listed. Then around 6 I wrote a letter to my ex, thanking him for teaching me the difference between love, lust, and sex. And I realized that pain hurts. No matter what causes it, it hurts. I noticed that humans like me have an expiration date but I dreamed and believed that the aura of my love would last even when I expired and my flesh became food. Then I dared myself to just be; to just be all that no one knows I can be. By noon I was praying right before I sinned and did blasphemy against His name, by dinner I was crying again; reuniting with my liquid friends as though I wasn’t tired of their company. In hopes of standing up and not letting this pain bury me and take me prisoner I went in pursuit by three. My pursuit for perfection, love, and sanity drove me to madness. So I went on a journey. Map in hand, and when I got lost, I asked for directions and came up with a million resolutions. Some told me to go left because it led to happiness, so I went left and came up empty. Others told me to steer right and I listened but it did me no good. I heard I should stay straight ahead, but by dawn, I was so far gone from reality that it was agonizing. So I sat down, and my tears danced a Julliard worthy performance and my feet ached as though they had spent the day walking on glass and not water. My body trembled and my breathing slowed and for the first time in a long time, I felt relived. As midnight snuck upon me I looked up at the stars and bathed in their beauty for it surpassed mine. I realized I had just spent the day searching and drowning in confusion. Too tired to try anymore. Too tired to push or to fight. So I lay on my back facing the dark sky and feeling my tears enter my ears and I closed my eyes shut. Felt my lungs capturing her last breath and my body ceased to move. I heard the clock strike midnight and a smile caressed my face. As the last ring rung I knew my existence on the journey I let others take me on had been the end of me. So I used my last breath to say a prayer. I pray that in the next life I find myself and ride the best ride ever; my own journey. No distractions. No input from those who know everything about existing and nothing about living

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