Falling Asleep

I can never seem to fall asleep at night; except for the nights spent with you laying next to me. I guess its because even in my dreams I can still hear you breathing. When you’re not there, sleep escapes me causing me to think you control more than just my heart. So I have to think about you. I close my eyes and I wish and pretend you are here until I can feel your arms wrapped around me. And for those minutes before my eyes get heavy, I can actually see you laying next to me. Chest rising, breathing. Heart beating like drums announcing the arrival of a prince. Is this love? Or am I just insane? For the umpteenth time, I have fallen in love with people I know can’t love me back; this time its you. And I do this, this things where I fall in love with people who can’t possibly seem to love me back and I tell myself that this is the best way but I still end up getting hurt.

I beat my heart black and blue but you are the only cardiologist who never learned to fix hearts. So I lay on this operating table called your chest and I pray that you would love me and learn the language of honesty that I so desperately try to teach you but I come out empty handed. Like sand you slip through my fingers. I become blinded to all rationality and as I sleep, I realize that my dreams are always better than my reality. Because come morning, I will awaken to the touch of the sun, the sound of a new day. I will get dressed, cautiously put on my mask. I will step out and if I see you, my heart will skip a beat, I will desperately remind myself to breathe and I will be afraid to look into your eyes because you will look right through me. You look at me and forget to see me as though the nights I undressed my soul were all too forgettable. Your eyes won’t see the familiarity, your lip won’t curve into an ocean of beautiful, your feet won’t move mountains to come to my rescue. Your heart won’t be arrested. Again, I will ask myself why can’t I sleep? Why do I fall in love with people who can’t possibly love me back? But I won’t cry because I am flaunting my happy, have it together mask. So I smile, killing another piece of my sanity. I will walk away. Breathless…..

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